Hard limits
A hard limit is a line that does not move: an activity, a body part, a word, a scenario. It is not up for discussion in the middle of a scene, and pushing one, even playfully, is a serious breach that ends play and usually the relationship. Common hard limits include anything involving blood, breath, permanent marks, specific role-play scenarios, and anything that touches a past trauma. Nobody has to justify a hard limit.
Soft limits
A soft limit is a maybe, and the conditions matter: maybe with a partner I trust, maybe after we have done it lightly first, maybe not tonight. Soft limits are where people grow, and also where people get hurt, because a maybe can be mistaken for a yes. The rule is simple: a soft limit is approached only when the person who holds it says so, in advance, with a clear way to stop.
How to set your limits
Write them down before you need them. Most people start from a checklist of activities and mark each one as a yes, a curious, a soft limit or a hard limit; the list becomes the basis of negotiation with each new partner. Limits are not fixed for life. A hard limit can soften with experience and a yes can become a hard limit after a bad scene. Update the list, and tell your partners when it changes.
Limits and Dominants
Dominants have limits too, and they count exactly as much. A Dom who will not do humiliation, or a top who will not use a cane, is setting a hard limit, and a sub who keeps asking is doing the same thing as a Dom who keeps pushing. Negotiation is a two-way list.
Read the Coywink consent policyQuestions people ask
What is the difference between a soft limit and a hard limit?
A hard limit is a no that does not move and is never tested in a scene. A soft limit is a maybe that may be approached slowly, with the right person, when the person who holds it says so. Treating a soft limit as a yes is how people get hurt.
Can limits change?
Yes, in both directions. Experience softens some hard limits; a bad scene can turn a yes into a hard no. The list is yours to update, and partners should hear about changes before the next scene, not during it.
What if someone pushes my hard limit?
Stop the scene, with the safeword if you need it, and do not play with that person again. Pushing a hard limit is a consent violation, however it is dressed up. Tell the organiser if it happened at an event.
Is it okay to have a lot of hard limits?
Yes. A long list of hard limits is a sign of someone who knows themselves, and most experienced players would rather see it than a blank. Nobody owes anybody a shorter list.